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Join date : 2009-05-29
Age : 30
|Subject: HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY Wed Jun 10, 2009 5:04 pm
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say-"No, No, outside!!"
17. Fix a drink
18. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and stay" the first thing in the morning
HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a beer gut,
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet,
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid,
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time,
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding,
He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber,
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk,
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He is not short,
He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy,
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars,
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body,
He is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated,
He is Socially Challenged.
He does not eat like a pig,
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He is not a bad dancer,
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a sex machine,
He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets,
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig,
He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes,
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment,
He is Monogamously Challenged.